My Therapist Has Cancer
My therapist of 25 years has pancreatic cancer. I’ll call him Dr. M to protect his privacy and the boundaries of our relationship. He tells me he is feeling fine, that they caught it early, and that he is about to start chemotherapy. That is what I know. I am already worrying about things he […]
I Miss My Dad
April 8th has always been a day of mixed emotions. On one side, it is my 18th sobriety anniversary. It’s also the birthday of my father, Norton, or “Norty,” as his friends called him. He would be ninety-nine today. He was of the greatest generation—a Navy Seabee in a construction battalion deployed to the Battle […]
My Sobriety Is Almost Old Enough to Drink
This week, I’ll have eighteen years of continuous abstinence from alcohol and cocaine. No less important is that I have not binged and purged(bulimia) in the same amount of time. Yes, guys do get eating disorders. At forty-seven, I walked into the rooms of 12-step crying, scared, and ashamed. I often laugh at the interaction […]
Depression, Road Bumps, and Adjustments
In consultation with my therapist, I recently upped my Lexapro dosage. There is no trigger I can point to, but the increase in familiar feelings of hopelessness was there. Usually more intense in the morning, then dissipating into the early afternoon. Not immense lows, but unlike depressive bouts of years earlier, I have a better […]
Social Media and Suicide
We hear so much about the downside of social media and suicide. Still, a recent study confirms that lived experience sharing stories of hope and recovery can contribute to suicide prevention. “Suicide-preventive effect seems to occur particularly when the story is presented in a personal narrative of an individual with lived experience of suicidal ideation.” […]
Are Addiction Secrets Holding You Back?
We all have secrets. Mine were spread out to multiple cities. In between multiple divorces, drugs were delivered to my hotel room in Vegas. Coke deals transacted with quick hand-to-hand exchanges under cover of darkness just feet from the calming waves of the ocean in South Beach. I’m often asked, “How did your wives not […]
It’s Day One, and I’m Terrified!
‘I’m all alone.” “My spouse/partner left me.” “My kids won’t talk to me.” “I lost my job.” “I’m about to lose my law license.” “I’m ashamed.” “I hate myself.” “I want to die.” These may be familiar thoughts and feelings to those who have stopped drinking with a slew of personal and professional wreckage in […]
Eating Disorders Suck, but Recovery is Possible
Would it surprise you to know that males account for over twenty percent of those with eating disorders? For bulimia, it goes up to thirty percent. That is what I dealt with for more than twenty years. A male lawyer binging and purging? What do you say? Yep. That was me. It started my […]
The Body Brokers
My love-hate Relationship w/New Years Resolutions
I used to love New Year’s resolutions. They brought the hope and the fantasy of a whole new Brian without any concept of what that meant or how to do it beyond reflexive responses to pain, regret, and shame. I remember making resolutions dating back to college and law school. Study harder. Be more outgoing. […]