It was about a year ago today that I became a member of one of the most difficult and at the same time easiest groups to become a member of. It is a very exclusive club of people who all share one common goal and for the purposes of this club this is all we talk about and all we care about. It is a club that changed the direction of my life, clarified my life and probably saved my life. I count the members of this club as my second family….
Why is it the most difficult club to get into? Because you have to have a desire to stop drinking. Why is it the easiest to get into to? Because the only requirement for membership is a simple desire to stop drinking. Quite the paradox….
Ironically if you would have asked me a year and a day ago if I would ever become a member of this club, I would have looked at you like you were from Mars. Why? I was not homeless. I didn’t live under a bridge. I had a job and my family loved me. To be a member of this club, I had always thought you had to be a homeless, unemployed, crack smoking bum pan handling people for money at the local intersection.
I had a great job, great girlfriend, my family loved me, a famous last name that got me into clubs, restaurants broke the ice in conversations where I normally would have stood ignored in corner being incredibly shy.
Along with all this, I loved to go out with my buddies. I would tell you what bar or club was the place to be on any night of the week. I would go out at least 3 times a week. This meant I was drinking at least three times a week. This never seemed like any big deal to me because all my buddies were doing the same thing. I was having a great time. Never had to wait in line anywhere. Never had to stand anywhere. Everyone wanted to buy me drinks. Why shouldn’t I always have a drink in my hand…….. There was no one to tell me that going out drinking that many times and sometimes more a week is not a good thing no matter how hold you are or how you slice it. Then again, why should anyone have to tell me this? I am a grown man right? Frankly if I looked at all the stupid decisions I have made in my life-80 percent of them started with one of those nights out.
Again, its seemed no big deal to me because everyone I hung out with was doing the same thing. Completely socially acceptable in my book as long as I never strayed from those circles.
Was I an alcoholic? Well if I was than all my buddies where as well. I knew that wasn’t possible so it was all good. In further rationalization, I noted to myself that I had not been convicted of DWI, never been to rehab, was employed, nice home etc. I had only changed my phone number 5 times in the last year which to me was completely normal. When I had to, I simply adjusted my moral plane to account for all drunken embarrassing acts and mouth openings so that was all good. I also never drove drunk which to me was the primary indicator of an alcoholic. I either had a driver or took a cab. Of course this just allowed me to party even harder when I went out since I knew I was not driving. The logic of a true attorney….
So what traumatic event happened that caused me to finally walk through those AA doors? I had a blackout. I went out for one of my normal partying sessions and the next thing I knew it was a day later. Could not remember one thing that happened. The first blackout I had ever had. Scary as shit to not remember and have people tell you what an idiot you were…. I knew other people who had alcohol blackouts and I always thought they were funny as shit…. When it happens to you and you start playing through all of the “what ifs” it loses its humor instantly.
That blackout was absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life…
If I had not blacked out that weekend in April last year, I would probably still be going out every night of the week, taking days to recover, not getting work done(I was lucky as shit that my brother was my boss), and basically standing still in time with no forward movement in any aspect of my life. I wont even address the “what ifs” that are a lot worse……
That blackout gave me the “moment of clarity” I needed to determine that enough was enough. It was time to live instead of exist.
I found out when and where the AA meetings where. I walked to the front door, knowing I may be recognized, embarrassed and scared. I walked in. I was recognized, embarrassed and scared.
I was recognized as someone who wanted to take control of his life and welcomed with a hug like I had been coming for years. I sat through the first meeting and listened to people just like me talk about their stories. They talked about lows lower than I could ever imagine. Many had lost everything. Many who had lost everything had started just like I did. Just out having a good time. A good time night out ending with wiping out a family while driving drunk….They talked about prison, being homeless, losing family, losing self, losing everything. Many also seemed like your normal successful people who you never would guess in million years. Many came from alcoholic families. Many like me, had no history at all in their family. Alcoholism is an equal opportunity disease.
They also talked about highs from sobriety that I didn’t think I would ever see. Great changes in their lives. People who had not taken a drink in 30 and 40 years and loving life. Believe me, when you are sitting at day one that seems like pipe dream…..There were lawyers, doctors, salespeople, engineers, actors, college students, high school students…. You name it , the group was represented…. Everyone had their own story. Everyone had the same goal… To stop drinking….
That first meeting I was given what is called a “desire chip” It is an AA coin that is an outward sign of an inward desire to stay sober for 24 hrs. It was suggested that I go to 90 meetings in 90 days so I did that as well. Sometimes I went to two meetings a day.
Stopping drinking was not the most difficult thing I had never done. Not by a long shot. It was the easy part. What was the hard part? The hard part was to acknowledge that if I wanted to stay sober I would have to make a 180 degree turn in my lifestyle. This meant acknowledging that if my party buddies were also not making that change, something had to give. It is always easier to take the path of least resistance and stay part of the group to avoid change. The path of the most resistance is to break ties with that and move in a different direction.
No one wants to be alone. Everyone wants to be part of a peer group. Everyone wants to be wanted. Your best buddy is not going to be your best buddy anymore if you don’t go out and get drunk with them…… Your true friends will always be there and do you really want the ones who base your friendship on your ability to party like a rock star?
Making that change was ten thousand times harder than not taking a drink. It was hard until I saw that 90 percent of the world didn’t live like that anyways. I didn’t know that because I only hung out with the ones who did live that way. I survived. The true friends stayed my friends. We found other ways to socialize.
The rest continued on without me. They continued on to the tune of one drug related suicide and overdose in the year since I quit drinking.
I will be honest here. There are a lot of things about the AA philosophy that I have not bought into. Most people have heard of “The 12 Steps” A year into the program I am on step 3. I have been there for a while. I may never move to step 4. One thing I learned in AA was to figure today out and worry about tomorrow tomorrow. Nine times out of ten when tomorrow comes it is not near the disaster that it looked today and so what if it is. People who have never taken a drink deal with problems and tragedy all the time and they manage.
Maybe it is the attorney in me, but I question everything. Have to know the background, research etc. That is tough in AA because so much of it is based on simple faith in the program. A year later I am still full of questions…
I do have one answer however. The answer as to whether AA works. At least for me the answer is yes. The last year has been without question, absolutely the best most eventful, the most forward moving year of my entire life.
My name is Brian and I am a damm proud and grateful alcoholic…..
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